Don't Mess With Me!

The big fat human seems to be very busy at the moment. He didn’t even get around to updating the blog last week, so I volunteered to update the blog this week after a small walk on part last time.  

These humans are funny buggers. They spend most of their time out of the house dressed in posh clothes and driving their metal boxes on wheels, when all the important stuff is going on right here. What a pair of muppets!

Maybe I will give them a word of advice in future about where the action is, (on second thoughts they only stress when the action gets interesting).

There has been lots of talk about something called an election this week. I don't know what it is but it will not make a blind bit of difference to me. The only important thing here is the ready availability of food, a comfortable place to sleep and a regular tickle under the chin. I will certainly vote for that.

Only 10 In This Shot But 15 In The Garden

It’s not often that an infestation is a good thing.

The ants swarm all over the large room with a wooden floor. The mice run around making a noise in the loft. The bats fly around outside squealing a lot and catching flies. The rats run around at night trying to find a way in. The tiny frogs swarm across the grass and in every corner. The big hairy badger digs up the garden and the moles tunnel under the lawn.

But this week it has all been about the squirrels.

Normally we have 4 or 5 of the little b*****ds, prancing around on the lawn and racing away the minute I make a move. I can sit for hours watching them and waiting for them to come and say hello.

But this week we had fifteen.

It looked like the floor was alive.

At first my brother and I took the easy answer – the rain was falling and the buggers were everywhere. So a quick snack of frogs washed down with a vole or two and it was time for bed.

Then the rain stopped and I’d had enough of him snoring in my earhole.

I wandered out and blow me – they were everywhere!

In the trees and around the bird feeders. Skipping and hopping about like they hadn’t a care in the world. I will show them I thought.

But they are clever.

I sat next to the feeders playing the statue game and they came down. But try as I might my efforts at being Queen Victoria were in vain. I thought my pose was pretty good, and my pout looked convincing, but somehow they rumbled me.

I rushed them a few times, but still no joy. 

Brotherly Love

The wind blew at night and I rolled out of bed one morning to find my opportunity had arrived. The world that I know well had changed.

At the side of the garden is a fairly large tree.

As a side note - when I was young it was great fun to climb up that tree and pretend that I was stuck.

The big fat human would walk around for hours with a light on a stick and look for me in the dark. After he had wasted a few hours, I would call to him in a feeble kind of way as if I was unable to get down. Being the lumbering idiot of the household, he would clamber up the tree in the dark, scrabbling up the branches, ruining his clothes and rescue me, (how sweet).

Sadly, those times are gone. I can’t get away with it now as he has realised I can come down as well as climb up. And if I get really stuck I can also jump, though he seems to think that was a trick he taught me. In reality, I find it a good way to clean my feet when they are really dirty, and I can even apply it to a range of visitors including the liverpudlian human and her grandson.

Anyway, I digress.

Tuesday was the windiest night I have ever seen and in the wind the tree had practically snapped in half. From about 20ft up a large branch dangled down, resting on the ground and obscuring the view from the feeders.

What an opportunity.

But then it rained, and rained, and rained. And then the wind blew a bit more and another branch came down from another tree just next to the first.

"Well", I thought. "It would be rude not to hide at the first opportunity".

But for now I will stay in the house biding my time and letting the hairy b*****ds get complacent outside.

So I slept like a king – well I always do. I am not called Charles for no reason you know.

My Brother - He Really Is As Stupid As He Looks

My brother sneaked out when I wasn’t looking and before I could say “one down and 14 to go”, he had brought home a baby squirrel and was playing with it on the patio. I would get even later so don't worry on that score.

Happily, the scrawny human soon took it off him, with that high pitched “Come on Tango” that often fools him into thinking he is being rewarded, when really she is just going to spoil his pleasure.

My opportunity arose on Thursday.

I Wasn't Allowed To Put A Picture of My Three Series - So Here Is One of My Favourite Plant - It Smells Like Rotting Flesh

As the sun rose and the snoring echoed around the bedroom I thought to myself, “today is a day for some fun. I’m feeling lucky”.

As I stretched my legs and hunched my back, I thought of the good feeling I get sometimes when I can really bite my brother. He often gets me when I am asleep, and now would he pay for that.

My teeth hit bone as I sunk them into his leg and back. Seeing his obvious discomfort, I felt strangely satisfied and let go. His funny growling demonstrated that my attack had been a success. Now that was a good start to the day. I dropped to the floor and limbered up a little, licking my back.

The fat human rushed out of bed and went to his aid. Not really knowing what was wrong. He picked him up and cuddled him. The wimpering continued and nothing the human could do made a difference. Now that is a real success!

“Ok”, I thought – “I will pop out and see what is about”.

As I wandered past the food bowl, there was nothing else to eat.

As I popped my head out of the hole in the door, a small bird flitted around on the dirt, feeding itself on the insects. Breakfast comes in all sizes, but first I will have some fun.

I grabbed the bird by the wings and held it tight. It twitched in my mouth and chirped for back-up. Seeing that I could be pestered by its family I went back through the hole in the door.

"Watch this", I thought looking at the big fat human.

The bird flapped around the room with the wooden floor and lurched from one side to the other. I flicked it around and chased it. It flapped again. I flicked it a bit more and then the lumbering giant appeared right on cue.

He muttered some words, which I ignored, and then I held the bird just long enough for him to come towards me, at which point I made a run for the hall.

As he approached me, I dropped the now still bird on the floor. "Well that was fun, but you have ruined it", I thought.

The big fat human took the bird and inspected it. Trying to revive it in his big fat hands.

Seeing that I had distracted him, I went for outside again. "Well two bits of fun were good, but what if I can make it three before breakfast …."

And then I remembered the tree, and the little hairy b*****ds, skipping and hopping around next to it.

I crept under the branches, licking my lips as I got there. The anticipation was fantastic. My fur bristled with expectation.

The big fat squirrel didn’t know what hit him.

He squealed like a baby as I carried him in my mouth around the house and into the hole in the door.

Now I have to say, carrying such vermin in your mouth for any amount of time is not such fun. They wriggle like a worm and kick like a mule. But I held on.

i Can Roll In This For Hours - Cat Nip

As I reached the hall the big fat human that had just caressed my brother back to happiness and cleared up after the bird event, stood staring at me.

He then moved faster than I had seen him for years. “He can still run”, I thought. “Though in a pair of shorts and nothing else, it is not very elegant."

But then he did it – the bugger. He shut the door and stopped me from letting the squirrel go in the house.

I dropped it on the floor hoping that it would make it through the door before it shut.

But no, it hit the door hard and rebounded, dazed and confused.

I watched it for minute or two. The big fat human had tried to be clever and go outside to come behind me.

I grabbed the squirrel in my mouth and looked at him through the window in the back door.

He tried the handle but it was locked.

Smiling I let the squirrel go again. It ran around madly. It climbed the walls, the washing, the coats and the door.

I bided my time.

Then as I was getting ready to move in and snuff it out – the little bugger leapt at the hole in the door and got out.

Stunned I raced out after it as it ran for the nearest tree.

This squirrel was too fat to run, and too tired to escape and I soon had it back in my mouth. I won’t describe the next few minutes, but it didn’t escape again.

The fat human watched in disgust with my brother.

Feeling elated I made for the house to present it to the big fat human. This time he wasn’t as stupid as he looks and he blocked my entry and took it off me.

“And now for breakfast”, I thought. Walking around with my tail in the air, fawning over the human in the hope he would feed me.

He relented and gave me a meal.  For good measure, I ate my brother’s too.

These Snacks Get Everywhere At The Moment

So that was the highlights of my week. My brother strolls around looking like lord muck but I rule the roost really.

The humans duck in and out and seem to spend a lot of time in the comfy chairs in the room with the wooden floor, but they are just there to provide.

If you want to hear more from me – please like this blog. I could have one of my own if could be bothered but hijacking this one every now and then will suit me for now.

I have been requested to mention something for the weekend. Clearly, I think you should all go out and catch squirrels in your mouth – then you will know what real sacrifice is.  But you aren’t capable of that – so I pity you all.

The humans talked a lot about a festival they attended with 8,000 other humans. It was an 80’s throw-back with various bands held in a local field - whatever that means. The weather was good, so they didn’t moan too much, except the other short one who seemed to be cold for most of it.

On the Sunday they then disappeared off to tour the locality of Portishead. The open garden scheme gives you the opportunity to wander around someone else's garden and nose around. I do this all the time but they seem to need to pay for the priviledge. Another reason not to be a human.

Anyway, they hummed the odd tune the next day, and I think this was one of them.

Enjoy this – and have a great weekend - see you again soon!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iIpfWORQWhU

The guy on the video has got no hair now apparently, I hope that never happens to me!

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