Tango Unchained!

Good morning friends,  I'm Tango!

If you haven’t read last week’s blog then I suggest you start there, (Previous Update), otherwise this will make no sense whatsoever.

It was a load of nonsense from my brother on eating, sleeping and more eating.

This week I am taking my turn, but hopefully in a more educated form. My brother thinks I’m stupid as I don’t sound off every day, but I am the quiet, intelligent one!

As you might have gathered, his rather portly shape takes after the human that we hang around with. He can’t help his constant appetite, (and I am not talking about the big human), but there is more to life than eating, so I wanted to put the record straight and have the right of reply.

Well here goes!

My Usual Pillow

My day starts when the big fat human gets up to feed my brother. I usually open one eye and decide that nothing out of the ordinary is going on, so why would I bother to get up.

After a couple of extra hours on my pillow, I open the second eye. Nope, there is still nothing going on. Sleep descends once again.

This can often continue for a few more hours, well I say that but what I really mean is the night before can quickly disappear and the new sun can rise and fall behind the church next door.

At 11am I am awoken by the sound of the small human stirring next door. My time keeping is not strong but it seems like a good time to rise.

There is no breakfast left, as my brother has usually “helped” me with that. But the horrible bits that he doesn't enjoy can sometimes cling to the bowl, so I scrape my tongue around in hope.

Has the big fat human put anything aside for me?

Is it on the top of the counter at the end of the hall by the commode?

I tip-toe past this pile of sand and jump onto the side. Nope, my brother seems to have helped me there too.

Finally, the small, thin human decides I need some special food and fills a bowl for me. Have you tried this s**t – I mumble?

It has the texture of fatty meat and the taste of an old wellie!

I smile and pretend to eat it.

She wanders off safe in the knowledge that she has done the right thing for me. I mutter the word “Muppet” under my breath and make for the hole in the door.

Hunting for Breakfast Throws Up Some Beautiful Views

Seeing as the food option at home tastes somewhere between a wet slipper and a used condom I decide to look for some real meat – the stuff to put hairs on my chest. ( I haven't actually eaten a used condom honest, and I am not even sure what it is).

My usual supply of food requires a bit of a trek. Across the gravel, up the path that the metal boxes on wheels move on and onto the dangerous, noisy path at the top.

Here I come across a large, smelly, hairy animal that appears to enjoy carrying humans up and down the lane on its back. “Why would you do that?”, I ask myself. It’s bad enough having to carry my tail around, poking in the air like a telescope, let alone another animal.

Not only that, but it’s wearing some form of metal shoes that means it slides all over the place on the dangerous, noisy path. What a dummy!

I look both ways before taking my life in my paws.  Those metal boxes can’t half move and you can’t see them coming.

Finally, I arrive in a large field with a hedge down one side.

What do I fancy for brekkie, fur or feather?

Fur requires lots of patience, feather requires me to hide in the bush and pretend to be a statue. I lick my lips to get a taste. No, that hasn’t worked. A quick clean of my nether regions and my mind is made up – fur it is. 

I Can Widdle With The Best of Them

As I saunter down the side of the field the anticipation builds. Will it be a vole, a mouse or better still a baby rabbit?

I flick a pebble in the air, sharp end a vole, round end a mouse.

Vole it is then.

I stake out the local vole haunt.

It is not long before I hear a high pitched snuffling and a vole comes rushing out, oblivious to my need for food, and clearly asking for a pinch of garden herbs and a swig of pond water. I freeze as if my brother has my nether regions in his claws.

It potters around for a few moments before I strike.

Got you, you beauty! Now hold still while I swizzle you around a bit in my mouth.

Bugger, he got away! Where’s he gone?

Sadly, he seems to have developed an invisible cloak and disappeared into the undergrowth. He is here somewhere I can smell him.

Sniff, sniff, sniff. Sniff, sniff, sniff.

I know - I will water him out by widdling on him from a great height!

Hey, you – have a bit of that!

I still can’t see him. After an hour of waiting and with no sign of him, I give in and head off to the hedge to play statues with the birds.

A black bird lands just a few feet away, seemingly unaware that this statue is really me. Can I jump him?

He ruffles the leaves and hops about. I slowly crouch down, ready to pounce. My bum wiggles and my tail straightens.

Once again, this stupid animal isn’t bright enough to fall for my plan.

Why am I surrounded by idiots? It is bad enough having to watch my humans trying to preen themselves every day, but this takes the sweet crumbly food item. 

Each morning, you can always tell whether the humans are going to leave for the day; they either come out dressed like they are competing in a rough sleeping contest or they come out sucking their teeth and straightening their clothes. Sadly, the rough sleeping attire means they will be around all day, but on the positive side, it means I can try for a second breakfast later on.

I wander slowly back towards the house, tail floating as if supported by invisible strings. After such hot work I take a quick slurp from the stream and lay down by the feathered creatures. Maybe one of them will not see me.

After an hour of dozing, I get up and stretch. Wow, this napping is tiring. So tiring it is making me stiff and accentuating my appetite.

The Silent Mouse

In the house I have one true friend. He never demands of me, he never tires of me and he never tries to get away.

If I can find him, I can use him to get affection from the humans and usually the big, fat one will take pity on him and feed me.

There he is.

I pick my silent mouse up and carry him around in my mouth. Searching the house, there is no sign of either human. Here we go, this will get them going!

MURREOW, MURREOWWW, MMMUURREEOOWW!

A human appears at the door. A faint smile on his face, like he has just let out an uncomfortable smell that he has been storing up for hours.

He mumbles something fairly inarticulate and comes across and picks up the mouse. If only he could speak properly, people might understand him more.

And then ….

Yes, he heads for the food bowls – jettisoning the silent mouse into the hall.

I knew that would work. He does it every time. These humans are sooo predictable, it is really sweet. Maybe I should get him a silent mouse of his own?

Ten minutes later having feasted on some proper food, I venture out once again.

This Is A Spectacle Too

As I round the corner, I see the spectacle of the week.

The thin, scrawny human is staggering as usual after lunch with a tray of glasses.

I am sure she has a problem with her food. Everyone keeps looking at me with pitying eyes but you should take a look at yourselves.  I am not sure what they think is wrong, but they keep taking me to this small office that smells of disinfectant, where a 15 year old in rubber gloves pokes and prods me, and sticks me on some scales. Once they even shaved my front and locked me in a cage, force-feeding me with chicken.

If you want me to fatten up that is not the way to go about it. Give me something I like, such as cream or custard!

Anyway, back to the glasses …..

Scrawny walks in slow motion, one, two, three, shuffle, one, two, three, shuffle.

And then as if part of a David Attenborough programme she is attacked by a stationary hose. An amazing look comes across her face and she launches her drinks collection into the air. They rotate as if part of an act and crash into the ground, smashing into a thousand pieces.

Not content with breaking the glasses she follows them downwards and hits the deck hard. The world stops spinning, the birds stop singing and the wind goes silent.

“That was funny”, the fat human mumbles, “are you ok?”

He picks her up quickly and dusts her down.

“You didn’t even check her for injuries before you picked her up you muppet”, I whisper under my whiskers. “Everyone knows that you shouldn’t just rush in”.

Young love, hey, they’ve still got it. (They wish!)

She seems ok though, and they spend the next 20 minutes combing the floor looking for stray glass. Satisfied that there is nothing to get in their paws the humans stagger back inside, knackered by all the excitement and the 10 minutes they spent in the garden before lunch.

Try This For Size!

I could ramble on for hours, but my allowance is nearly up. These humans are so entertaining they are probably worth a blog of their own. Who would believe the insane goings on in this household or the ramblings of an amateur gardener?

Feeling tired after my exertions, I head towards bed and my favourite pillow. A few hours later I am joined by the thin human.  She dozes for a while, before heading off next door.

The big human is snoring next to me.

“Try this for size mate”, and with that I deposit the contents of my stomach on the pillow next to him. He snuffles around for a few seconds and then opens one eye.

Time to go, have a great weekend!

It's Going to Be A Good Year For Pond Irises

I have an eating disorder. I have never spoken about this until now, in fact I have never spoken full stop, even when everyone has gone out and I have the run of the place to myself.

This limits my opportunities to enjoy myself fully, but I do enjoy sitting down by the fire and listening to some hard core music.

This is one of my favourites. There could only be one tune. A haunting piano, a nice tune and a perfect subject, what more could I ask for?

I hope you enjoy it too, it is worth staying until the end!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqZc7ZQURMs

Goodbye!

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