This week I have been out a lot so I have handed the reins over for a guest contribution. English is not his first language so bear with him, but he knows the subject well and has a special interest in our house.

Hello, I'm Charlie!

Hello.

I have kindly been given a platform this week to give you a brief insight into my life. One or two of you may have seen a picture or two of me over the last year and I have even made a special appearance on TV a couple of years ago. How many people can say that?

I've been asked to say a few words. Not sure this is my best week ever, but ok I will give it a go.

Aquilegia - A Reliable Part of My Early Morning Stroll

My day starts in regular manner. The peace of the dark hours broken at dawn by my need to pay a visit.

They provide me with a ridiculous commode type thing at the end of the house – but do you think I am going to use that, right in front of everyone when I can go out in privacy and dig in the veg garden, you must be joking!

No, it is far easier each morning to go through the same routine.

I jump up onto the bed, walk across the large fat human that is usually sleeping and poke him in the face. At first with a soft touch, but I quickly move onto the sharp claw that catches in the skin and wakes him up pretty quickly.

After some fairly meaningless mumbo, jumbo he usually opens the door and lets me out.

I like to do a bit of exploring and checking out the local scene at this time and I often come across the odd neighbour who is similarly indisposed at that time of the morning.

A quick once round to the tail end and I soon let them know I am in control, that is unless it is the big ginger monster who frightens the hell out of me.

One of My Favourite Flowers

Next on the agenda is breakfast.

If I play my cards right I can usually get 3 or 4 in before 9am. I go back into the house via the hole in the door, and the sound of the large fat one who is usually snoring again, echoes down the hall. It helps me to relax as I sit next to this quivering mass cleaning my balls with both legs in the air. Once I am fit for the day I wander over and play the breakfast game.

If you walk up and down a human enough they are aroused.

No, there are no morning glories here, just a human in a body that has been stretched beyond recognition and then formed wrinkles around the face. I hope that never happens to me! Whatever he did to deserve that, I don’t want it – although I believe 3 or 4 breakfasts each day could start me on the slippery slope. But they taste so good!

Anyway, the first breakfast is on its way. The naked body marches up and down the hall in his slippers and fetches me a clean bowl and fills it with something tasty.  Breakfast #1.

He also puts a bowl out for my brother who is usually prostrate somewhere snoring himself. Breakfast #2. It seems a shame not to eat his as well particularly when he is not that well at the moment.

My brother has got something wrong with him, so how else could I help him better than eat his food for him.

The next 2 or 3 hours can drag, so lately I have taken to finding a warm spot vacated by the large fat one and snuggle in until the other smaller human surfaces in the early afternoon.

I Can Never Remember The Name of This - But It Is Purple and Smells Like Rotting Flesh

She thinks I can't understand, but I am not a lamb chop and never have been. Nor a sausage or a snuggle chimp. Why do people call me names when I have a perfectly reasonable one of my own.

Ok, so my accent needs a little attention, but for god-sake stop calling me lamb chop.

Once the thin, short human surfaces, she goes through the same ritual each day. And I thought I was a creature of habit!

Put the kettle on, sort out the porridge and then try to do something with the morning face that has presented itself. One thing about being 6 and a bit is I never have the problem of the morning face.

I need to give my arse a lick now and then but otherwise I'm normally raring to go from the off.

It is at this point I get a #3 and #4 breakfast as the short, thin human goes about her morning chores. I can sit for hours and watch, but isn't it great never having to lift a paw to help. 

• Cleaning the kitchen – (sorry I will watch from down here).
• Hoovering the hall – (no I hate the Hoover, I have to be somewhere else).
• Cleaning the windows – (I'll watch from outside thank you).
• Hanging out the washing – (I don't think so – with my back).

There is no better feeling than watching a human doing the stuff they don't really enjoy but feel the need to do. It somehow makes it all worthwhile being kept in against my will overnight.

Feeling good about myself and righteous that I have helped my brother finish his breakfast, I wander off outside again ready to embrace the world.

A View of My Estate

This part of the day feels the longest. How will I last until lunch?

A bracing walk around the garden often unearths something for me to torment. A bee fertilizing the flowers, a spider building its web or a butterfly flapping in the wind. I can be surprisingly good at irritating them for long periods until I get bored or they fail the test of endurance.

Sometimes, if I am really lucky I will hear a squeak in the undergrowth and a rodent of one kind or another will present itself. If not, then I am really happy to sit next to a favourite hole or two and wait for hours in order to surprise the odd vole and teach it a lesson.

They may have been here first, but I am here to stay and scuttling about in my back yard is not for the faint hearted or for those who wish to be long lived.

A couple of circuits of the locality gives one a surprising appetite, so lunchtime comes just in time to avert a hunger disaster.

However, I often find that there is no one about to provide for me, so I can have to wait around and twiddle my paws until someone comes back.

At this stage the only solution is to sleep. I have been given a new bed which makes a great place to wait until the silence is broken by a returning person.

My Brother

It is surprising how sleep gives you an appetite.

It also surfaces my need to go and bash my brother. If I hunt around for a few minutes I can often find him trying to relax. How can you lie there and relax when lunch is so late?

As I stroll up to him, lying there with his eyes shut and breathing heavily, I think of all the times he has jumped me when I have least expected it and my heart jumps. Am I going to get my own back on you!

A couple of circuits around the sleeping beauty and I have decided which part of his anatomy I am going to bite first. Usually it is the back of the neck or his back. Not too much fur to get in your mouth but it does give him the desired surprise.

What are brothers for if they can’t surprise each other with a good bite or a quick scratch?

Once he has tried to fight back, I often present him with my face and ears for him to clean. He’s really good at that. A tongue is a great thing, especially when someone else puts it right inside your ears in the places you can’t reach yourself.

He’s not the brightest. I call him the professor. He doesn’t do irony – but then he never did. He also doesn’t understand human language and he makes the most ridiculous noises in trying to speak. But he’s my brother so I patronise him accordingly. As long as his tongue works I will always be there to patronise him.

Is This New Coffin For Me?

It has been a long day, and about now I start to get very hungry. Having your ears washed gives you a surprising appetite.

At this point the returning humans arrive back home in their metal box on wheels. They don’t seem to go anywhere unless it is in their metal box. It’s pretty sad really.

A quick burst of exercise and I run up to the box showing willing. Look at me, I am so hungry and where the bloody hell have you been?

If I dance around a bit and look interested, then the big fat human will often pick me up and save me the effort of having to walk back to my food bowls. The gravel gets right in my paws and what is a man supposed to do to keep the bottom of his paws soft? The thin human seems to use an abundance of creams to keep her paws soft, but you won’t catch me submerging myself in a metal water trough and plying myself with cream.

Ceanothus - My Favourite Cover For Ambushing!

Once I have satisfied myself for the 12^th or 13^th time that there really is no more food to be eaten today, I can be seen strolling through the grass in search for my final prize of the day – a grey squirrel.

They are clever little buggers. Ok, so their language skills could do with a bit of coaching, and they still haven’t worked out how to get passed the dome on the bird feeders, but they are great at escaping when all hope seems lost.

I sneak up on them in the bushes or I wait in the trees, but they can almost always get away – even in a straight race on the deck they zig-zag from side to side to evade my clutches.

Tonight I will fail to catch them, but tomorrow is another day and I am sure my chances will improve over time.

Finally, the day is over. I didn’t get to eat all that I would have wished for but I do have my own bed, the humans have been well behaved and my brother is still here to keep me company so it has been ok – this long day of waiting, although only having 6-8 meals is a bit mean.

I wander out to sharpen my claws on the tyres of the metal boxes and relieve myself one final time amongst the vegetables. Occasionally I stumble across our resident badger and get sprayed with Eau de Cologne. With a name like Cologne I think he must be German or something. He doesn’t say a lot but the smell of his spray does kind of linger a bit.

But if I go and cuddle up with my humans for long enough it soon rubs off on them!

And So To Bed!

After such a trying day and bearing in mind that this year is a big anniversary for music I thought there could only be one record to link to here. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=usNsCeOV4GM

I might give this guesting thing another try at some point in the future. Writing a few lines about being hungry is easy.

There aren’t as many pictures in my blog as there are usually here but you try taking pictures when you’ve only got paws to hold the camera!

I can use an iPad as long as its lying on its back, but using a camera is quite simply a ridiculous notion.

Have a great weekend!

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